I've been really blessed in the friends department right now. Bug, the Doctor, Willis, S. and a host of other people continue to be great support systems. They are thoughtful and encourage me in healthier directions than I would go on my own.
During GriefShare five we learned about how friendships will change. It's true.
Some notes I jotted down are: Let friends know what you need and talk about boundaries.
"I will never be the same" and "I will become a new person."
I am a new person. One with 10 times the anxiety, who is not functioning at a 100 percent. One that is really cultivating a complex about drinking and suicide.
By suicide I mean, I fear who might be next. (They have not ruled on my mom's death.) I look for signs in other people I know to be struggling and than sometimes I run in the other direction. Other times I say something like, "I know what it is like to get that news. You hear your loved one is dead and you're all 'Oh no, my _ is dead.' When the words they 'killed themselves' is added to the mix you go on a different grief journey." I may also share my own struggles and what I am doing to combat it. (Mainly therapy.)
Some of my friendships have changed because of this journey. I have learned who my truest friends are. I don't want to say "real friends" because some people are not good with death. But I now know which friends will remain so caught up in their own drama/lives that they could not even fathom reaching out to someone who is hurting. Even if it is someone who has seen them through hard times. That's OK. Truth is we all knew those friends were like that from the beginning and our surprise is probably not so much surprise but confirmation.
Last night Pastor R. said that sometimes it is best to say "I'm sorry for your loss" rather than try and connect with the person by sharing something that might upset them.
"Don't open your mouth and let your brains fallout," he said.
I'm going to add, good friend or not do not offer help if you will not follow through. Seriously.
Anyhow, I leave you with this week's GriefShare card or tailman as Pastor R. called it: I would rather walk through life with friends and suffer their occasional unhelpful attempt (to comfort me) than walk through this without them. -Carla
I, personally, would take a thousand barbs just to know someone is willing to hear me talk and talk to me about my loss.
Death and grief scare people. They just do. With my own mother's death, the realization of who was there and present and who was not was rather jolting. My sister spiraled into an abyss of denial, something she amazingly still carries on with almost 5 years later. It was surreal watching the people around my family in the aftermath of her death. I discovered that some people react to death and others respond to a death and there is a real difference between the two. Not that either is right or wrong, just different. I know it is early for you in all this. Nothing anyone says is going to genuinely make a difference, so yes, Pastor R is right, the safest thing to offer up is, I'm sorry for your loss. Truly. May peace and comfort find your heart soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Amanda. I had not considered that some people react and others respond. Also, congrats on being my first commenter.
DeleteSomeone always has to be the first, or else this little world would not see much in the manner of forward motion :)
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