Be brave

In Grief Share they encourage people not to make any big decisions during the initial stages of grief.

Unfortunately, I was already looking for a new job before all this caca happened.

I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of moving Willis, the sows and myself to a new place and failing. It's happened before.

I need to be brave. I have a friend who is so brave and encourages me to move forward. I have many friends who are encouraging me to make the next step.

How do you leave a place that is comfortable, safe and a guaranteed job (provided you don't mess up or get laid off)?

I do things that are brave all the time but possibly jeopardizing my family's security leaves me frozen in place.

 So lurkers, how do you work up the courage to be brave?

Umbrella

Today is my dear friend Bug's birthday. Bug and I lost our moms days apart.

The "umbrella" phenomena  started after I sent a text out Dec. 2 that read, "If it keeps pouring like this I am going to need an umbrella." To which Bug replied, "I'll get you one."

Umbrella became the code word for needing or giving comfort.

Last night I painted this yellow umbrella for her. Part of the reason it is yellow is because her mom liked sunflowers. The other reason is I really think all umbrellas should be yellow.

The original painting was done with watercolor but the color was too light on the 5x6 inch stretch canvas. I went over the original painting with acrylics. The only colors used were yellow and black.

I almost exclusively paint on smaller canvases. I really don't have the patience to fill a large amount space. I am also a fan of single color backgrounds.

Grieving lessons

When I get past the worst of grieving I will be a better friend, co-worker, employee, sibling and overall person. For right now I plan to take my friends advice and just work on getting back to being myself. I was a really good - if high maintenance - friend before all of this.

There is no timeline for what I am going through.

I've learned that the people who are shitty friends all the time do not magically become good friends when tragedy strikes. They will also make excuses. Don't call bullshit on their excuses. (OK, call bullshit when they are not around.)

You'll know which people will help you.

Don't take offense when people say "What do you need?" and then don't deliver. (OK, take slight offense but do not do it yourself in the future.)

Suicide and a regular death will not be treated the same. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TREAT THESE TWO THE SAME. After my mom died (and there is still no ruling on the cause of death) I kept waiting for people to come over. None of the people I assumed would be there showed up. You don't have to say anything real or correct. Just fucking sit on that couch and take up space.

People will stare. Don't try to be funny about this. Their staring is their way of comforting you.