My mantra

You're going have a long, good life.

Don't google losing weight from grief

You'll just get a lesson on depression.

People are commenting about my appearance. Apparently, I look like I am losing weight. I know I am. My little belly (that I hate) seems to be receding. I don't really have a lot of weight to lose. When I was weighed in December I think I was 116. If you are using one of those weight charts I should be about 125 but I generally hover around 118.

I was having blood pressure issues early in the process but that dropped back to normal a few months ago.

GriefShare talks about how people should go see their doctor after a loss. I've been putting it off.

I promised my grandma I would make an appointment with the doctor.

Sleeping

I'm having problems with sleeping and anxiety. I've only slept approximately eight hours in two days. A single anxious thought keeps me up for hours.

Last week I woke up in the middle of an anxiety attack.

I just need a good night's sleep.

Partners

I've been with my partner, Willis, for nine years. Lately my depression has been getting the best of me. I have a lot of fears and anxieties.

But last night he was depressed for a variety of reasons.

I sucked it up, even though I wanted to go to bed and be taken care of. My form of near-crippling depression is not an easy thing to go through.

I made him a damn egg sandwich, brought him a glass of water and a guinea pig to help him feel better. I felt like a damn American hero. Also, that if what he would have done for me if he was able.

Even during this time of grief and a personal rough patch (where I have not been my usual self) I need to remember that I am not the center of the universe.

Even though I want to be. 

I have not been as good a friend, partner or employee as I could be.

And for a little bit longer, I think, that is OK. I just need to make sure not to ignore others in their time of need.

Be brave

In Grief Share they encourage people not to make any big decisions during the initial stages of grief.

Unfortunately, I was already looking for a new job before all this caca happened.

I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of moving Willis, the sows and myself to a new place and failing. It's happened before.

I need to be brave. I have a friend who is so brave and encourages me to move forward. I have many friends who are encouraging me to make the next step.

How do you leave a place that is comfortable, safe and a guaranteed job (provided you don't mess up or get laid off)?

I do things that are brave all the time but possibly jeopardizing my family's security leaves me frozen in place.

 So lurkers, how do you work up the courage to be brave?

The nights seem so long

Ever since my mom died, night seems to drag on forever. I don't really recall a point in my life where I would wake up so much and sigh that it is still night.

My counselor thinks I need to get more sleep. I should probably mention to him my problem with long nights.

Grief Share

I started at Grief Share yesterday. I had a panic attack before and after. How do you talk about suicide and your grieving process when the video specifically says the Bible is against it. (This was in reference to wanting to commit suicide because of your loss.)

I thought the mentally ill got a pass? I am operating under the assumption that my mom is in heaven and is cured of all her earthly problems. I AM ONLY FUNCTIONING BECAUSE I ASSUME SHE'S IN HEAVEN AND SAFE.

After the video I couldn't bring myself to open up to the group. Their loved ones died from illness or old age. We're still trying to figure out how my mom died. 

Maybe next session I will be able to talk. I just want to protect her from the judgement of outsiders.

Shit that gets me down

1. Talking to my mom's husband. That shit gets me down for three days on average.

2. Talking about attending grief counseling, counseling or Al-anon.

3. Reading the Al-anon literature. I have been dutifully doing the readings all week.

4. Depression. That shit is hard.