My mantra

You're going have a long, good life.

Don't google losing weight from grief

You'll just get a lesson on depression.

People are commenting about my appearance. Apparently, I look like I am losing weight. I know I am. My little belly (that I hate) seems to be receding. I don't really have a lot of weight to lose. When I was weighed in December I think I was 116. If you are using one of those weight charts I should be about 125 but I generally hover around 118.

I was having blood pressure issues early in the process but that dropped back to normal a few months ago.

GriefShare talks about how people should go see their doctor after a loss. I've been putting it off.

I promised my grandma I would make an appointment with the doctor.

Partners

I've been with my partner, Willis, for nine years. Lately my depression has been getting the best of me. I have a lot of fears and anxieties.

But last night he was depressed for a variety of reasons.

I sucked it up, even though I wanted to go to bed and be taken care of. My form of near-crippling depression is not an easy thing to go through.

I made him a damn egg sandwich, brought him a glass of water and a guinea pig to help him feel better. I felt like a damn American hero. Also, that if what he would have done for me if he was able.

Even during this time of grief and a personal rough patch (where I have not been my usual self) I need to remember that I am not the center of the universe.

Even though I want to be. 

I have not been as good a friend, partner or employee as I could be.

And for a little bit longer, I think, that is OK. I just need to make sure not to ignore others in their time of need.

A thosand barbs

I've been really blessed in the friends department right now. Bug, the Doctor, Willis, S. and a host of other people continue to be great support systems. They are thoughtful and encourage me in healthier directions than I would go on my own.

During GriefShare five we learned about how friendships will change. It's true. 

Some notes I jotted down are: Let friends know what you need and talk about boundaries.
"I will never be the same" and "I will become a new person."

I am a new person. One with 10 times the anxiety, who is not functioning at a 100 percent. One that is really cultivating a complex about drinking and suicide.

By suicide I mean, I fear who might be next. (They have not ruled on my mom's death.) I look for signs in other people I know to be struggling and than sometimes I run in the other direction. Other times I say something like, "I know what it is like to get that news. You hear your loved one is dead and you're all 'Oh no, my _ is dead.' When the words they 'killed themselves' is added to the mix you go on a different grief journey." I may also share my own struggles and what I am doing to combat it. (Mainly therapy.)

Some of my friendships have changed because of this journey. I have learned who my truest friends are. I don't want to say "real friends" because some people are not good with death. But I now know which friends will remain so caught up in their own drama/lives that they could not even fathom reaching out to someone who is hurting. Even if it is someone who has seen them through hard times. That's OK. Truth is we all knew those friends were like that from the beginning and our surprise is probably not so much surprise but confirmation.

Last night Pastor R. said that sometimes it is best to say "I'm sorry for your loss" rather than try and connect with the person by sharing something that might upset them.

"Don't open your mouth and let your brains fallout," he said.

I'm going to add, good friend or not do not offer help if you will not follow through. Seriously.

Anyhow, I leave you with this week's GriefShare card or tailman as Pastor R. called it: I would rather walk through life with friends and suffer their occasional unhelpful attempt (to comfort me) than walk through this without them. -Carla

I, personally, would take a thousand barbs just to know someone is willing to hear me talk and talk to me about my loss.

The nights seem so long

Ever since my mom died, night seems to drag on forever. I don't really recall a point in my life where I would wake up so much and sigh that it is still night.

My counselor thinks I need to get more sleep. I should probably mention to him my problem with long nights.

Not ready for

"We are living a new season of life, one that we are not ready for." - Pastor R's prayer from Grief Share week 3.

Grief Share

I started at Grief Share yesterday. I had a panic attack before and after. How do you talk about suicide and your grieving process when the video specifically says the Bible is against it. (This was in reference to wanting to commit suicide because of your loss.)

I thought the mentally ill got a pass? I am operating under the assumption that my mom is in heaven and is cured of all her earthly problems. I AM ONLY FUNCTIONING BECAUSE I ASSUME SHE'S IN HEAVEN AND SAFE.

After the video I couldn't bring myself to open up to the group. Their loved ones died from illness or old age. We're still trying to figure out how my mom died. 

Maybe next session I will be able to talk. I just want to protect her from the judgement of outsiders.

Shit that gets me down

1. Talking to my mom's husband. That shit gets me down for three days on average.

2. Talking about attending grief counseling, counseling or Al-anon.

3. Reading the Al-anon literature. I have been dutifully doing the readings all week.

4. Depression. That shit is hard.

Grieving lessons

When I get past the worst of grieving I will be a better friend, co-worker, employee, sibling and overall person. For right now I plan to take my friends advice and just work on getting back to being myself. I was a really good - if high maintenance - friend before all of this.

There is no timeline for what I am going through.

I've learned that the people who are shitty friends all the time do not magically become good friends when tragedy strikes. They will also make excuses. Don't call bullshit on their excuses. (OK, call bullshit when they are not around.)

You'll know which people will help you.

Don't take offense when people say "What do you need?" and then don't deliver. (OK, take slight offense but do not do it yourself in the future.)

Suicide and a regular death will not be treated the same. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TREAT THESE TWO THE SAME. After my mom died (and there is still no ruling on the cause of death) I kept waiting for people to come over. None of the people I assumed would be there showed up. You don't have to say anything real or correct. Just fucking sit on that couch and take up space.

People will stare. Don't try to be funny about this. Their staring is their way of comforting you.