Don't google losing weight from grief

You'll just get a lesson on depression.

People are commenting about my appearance. Apparently, I look like I am losing weight. I know I am. My little belly (that I hate) seems to be receding. I don't really have a lot of weight to lose. When I was weighed in December I think I was 116. If you are using one of those weight charts I should be about 125 but I generally hover around 118.

I was having blood pressure issues early in the process but that dropped back to normal a few months ago.

GriefShare talks about how people should go see their doctor after a loss. I've been putting it off.

I promised my grandma I would make an appointment with the doctor.

All the answers

I asked Pastor R. "What if you don't have questions of 'Why?' for God but the person?"

He told me he'd given up trying to answer those questions.

Notes from GriefShare week six: Your loved one is still gone even if you have all the answers.

Partners

I've been with my partner, Willis, for nine years. Lately my depression has been getting the best of me. I have a lot of fears and anxieties.

But last night he was depressed for a variety of reasons.

I sucked it up, even though I wanted to go to bed and be taken care of. My form of near-crippling depression is not an easy thing to go through.

I made him a damn egg sandwich, brought him a glass of water and a guinea pig to help him feel better. I felt like a damn American hero. Also, that if what he would have done for me if he was able.

Even during this time of grief and a personal rough patch (where I have not been my usual self) I need to remember that I am not the center of the universe.

Even though I want to be. 

I have not been as good a friend, partner or employee as I could be.

And for a little bit longer, I think, that is OK. I just need to make sure not to ignore others in their time of need.

A thosand barbs

I've been really blessed in the friends department right now. Bug, the Doctor, Willis, S. and a host of other people continue to be great support systems. They are thoughtful and encourage me in healthier directions than I would go on my own.

During GriefShare five we learned about how friendships will change. It's true. 

Some notes I jotted down are: Let friends know what you need and talk about boundaries.
"I will never be the same" and "I will become a new person."

I am a new person. One with 10 times the anxiety, who is not functioning at a 100 percent. One that is really cultivating a complex about drinking and suicide.

By suicide I mean, I fear who might be next. (They have not ruled on my mom's death.) I look for signs in other people I know to be struggling and than sometimes I run in the other direction. Other times I say something like, "I know what it is like to get that news. You hear your loved one is dead and you're all 'Oh no, my _ is dead.' When the words they 'killed themselves' is added to the mix you go on a different grief journey." I may also share my own struggles and what I am doing to combat it. (Mainly therapy.)

Some of my friendships have changed because of this journey. I have learned who my truest friends are. I don't want to say "real friends" because some people are not good with death. But I now know which friends will remain so caught up in their own drama/lives that they could not even fathom reaching out to someone who is hurting. Even if it is someone who has seen them through hard times. That's OK. Truth is we all knew those friends were like that from the beginning and our surprise is probably not so much surprise but confirmation.

Last night Pastor R. said that sometimes it is best to say "I'm sorry for your loss" rather than try and connect with the person by sharing something that might upset them.

"Don't open your mouth and let your brains fallout," he said.

I'm going to add, good friend or not do not offer help if you will not follow through. Seriously.

Anyhow, I leave you with this week's GriefShare card or tailman as Pastor R. called it: I would rather walk through life with friends and suffer their occasional unhelpful attempt (to comfort me) than walk through this without them. -Carla

I, personally, would take a thousand barbs just to know someone is willing to hear me talk and talk to me about my loss.

Be brave

In Grief Share they encourage people not to make any big decisions during the initial stages of grief.

Unfortunately, I was already looking for a new job before all this caca happened.

I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of moving Willis, the sows and myself to a new place and failing. It's happened before.

I need to be brave. I have a friend who is so brave and encourages me to move forward. I have many friends who are encouraging me to make the next step.

How do you leave a place that is comfortable, safe and a guaranteed job (provided you don't mess up or get laid off)?

I do things that are brave all the time but possibly jeopardizing my family's security leaves me frozen in place.

 So lurkers, how do you work up the courage to be brave?

Not ready for

"We are living a new season of life, one that we are not ready for." - Pastor R's prayer from Grief Share week 3.

Grief Share

I started at Grief Share yesterday. I had a panic attack before and after. How do you talk about suicide and your grieving process when the video specifically says the Bible is against it. (This was in reference to wanting to commit suicide because of your loss.)

I thought the mentally ill got a pass? I am operating under the assumption that my mom is in heaven and is cured of all her earthly problems. I AM ONLY FUNCTIONING BECAUSE I ASSUME SHE'S IN HEAVEN AND SAFE.

After the video I couldn't bring myself to open up to the group. Their loved ones died from illness or old age. We're still trying to figure out how my mom died. 

Maybe next session I will be able to talk. I just want to protect her from the judgement of outsiders.